Terrible deck of the week: Kastle Red

Posted on August 17, 2011

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This week Hall of Famer Darwin Kastle made top 8 of the TCP Player Irrelevancy Tour Championship with the following list:

4 Chandra’s Phoenix

4 Goblin Guide

4 Grim Lavamancer

4 Kargan Dragonlord

4 Kiln Fiend

4 Burst Lightning

4 Forked Bolt

4 Galvanic Blast

4 Lightning Bolt

20 Mountain

4 Teetering Peaks

SIDEBOARD

2 Act of Aggression

4 Combust

4 Dismember

3 Hero of Oxid Ridge

2 Manic Vandal

If you take only one sentence away from this article, I hope it’s this one: “Four Grim Lavamancer, zero Fetches.”   Grim Lavamancer is effectively Vanilla with this many men and no Fetches.  I guess he never considered Geopede, which hits harder and uses approximately 15 mana less per game (and still isn’t good), over Dragonlord because he never got to Fetchlands.  He’s an old-school player, and he reached for the nearest Mons Goblin Raiders and Ironclaw Orcs he could find.

Galvanic Blast isn’t effectively Shock, it is shock.  I would have at least had the balls to play actual Shock.  If you think there’s a material advantage provided by “bluffing” metalcraft later with galvanic blast now, you probably haven’t spent much time on the TCG Player 5k circuit.   I can’t say for sure that Shock is worse than Arc Trail, Incinerate, Searing Blaze, Flame Slash, etc., but don’t hide behind Galvanic Blast and the appearance of playing real cards, play a fucking shock and be proud.  Or play something that is constructed playable, your choice.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Twins with Crabs by Kyle Sanchez
Finished 33rd – 64th Place
Maindeck
3 Deceiver Exarch
4 Hedron Crab
3 Jace, Memory Adept
3 Lotus Cobra

4 Archive Trap
2 Explore
2 Into the Roil
4 Ponder
2 Preordain
3 Spell Pierce
2 Splinter Twin
4 Visions of Beyond

2 Forest
8 Island
4 Misty Rainforest
2 Mountain
4 Scalding Tarn
4 Terramorphic Expanse

Sideboard
1 Deceiver Exarch
3 Dispel
1 Into the Roil
3 Nature’s Claim
3 Pyroclasm
3 Spellskite
1 Splinter Twin

This list raised a few red flags.  Hedron Crab’s art should just be 4 Marines erecting a giant red flag.  Also, I pray that in my lifetime I never have to register Splinter Twin and put the number “2” next to it on the decklist.  The sideboard appears to allow Kyle to go “full blown” combo and get all the way up to THREE copies of the necessary piece Splinter Twin.  Well, I guess he does have a ton of tutors, and by that I mean 2 Preordain and some other cantrips.

Two strategies that always seem to make it to the top of the standings are milling people to death and mixing combos that don’t share any synergy (“But Exarch keeps you alive and Twin clones Crabs!”  Listen to what you’re saying.  Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.  Cloning a 0/2, if it survives casting a 4 mana enchantment on it, so you can then play a land and mill a few extra cards.  You’re so stupid, hypothetical skeptical reader.).  Kyle Sanchez sure has fallen a long way since he made that other good deck that other time.

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